So many times I've told myself I'll have a fresh start, turn a new leaf and begin a step towards a worthy journey. Today I'm not so sure I can kid myself any longer.

There is a burning fire within me that is willing me to write, every part of me wants to be spending the hours doing nothing but losing myself in a story. But with each moment I spend working or procrastinating or even spending time with the one I love; is another minute away from laptop.

I feel selfish being entranced in my writing, I feel like I should be doing something else. House work, work from work I didn't get to do during the long day I was there or even spending time with the one person that makes the dreariness drizzle away; so he can remember I exist from time to time.

I guess I need a challenge but feel like there is a lot holding me back these days. Perhaps the only thing holding me back is my doubt. I used to blame my old relationship, these days I'm more honest with finding fault at the heart of me rather than at the heart of my home.

I'm driving myself crazy with the thoughts that are floating around my head. I want to continue with my book but picking it up is so hard.

Well the less complaining I do here will stop the self pity - it is not going to get me anywhere and no one wants to hear it.

I have found peace with the writer in me once more tonight. She is restless and hasn't worked in sometime. Nevertheless if she must spend a year in darkness to appreciate one day of light, it is a sacrifice she will have to make. A sacrifice I have bound to her with the life I lead as it keeps her accustomed to the darkness. A cage called the working world which at present isn't my passion.

The passions of writing still pour out of me, as my fingertips effortlessly feel the keys moving beneath them as if a spell had been cast and they are moving on their own. Writing is like my wings, it can make me feel like I can go anywhere but one wound to this writers wings can ground her for some time. A wound can only take so much healing before one must brave flight once more.

So today I fly again and though I may not sore high above with the rest of the flock; my progress leaves me strong enough to fly again tomorrow. Soon my wings will be taking me to greater heights and you can see me soar once more.

Although in time a wound becomes nothing but a scar. We remind ourselves by revisiting such scars that we are easily reminded of the pain and suffering that caused us that reminder. The most important lesson that we learn is that we would be none the wiser without said scars.

Without reminders of what we have experienced, we will only be foolish mortals destined to make history repeat itself. No struggle is in vain if it teaches us the importance of a lesson well learnt.



By marking all beings by the same standards in life, we are in our eyes levelling the playing field for all participants. But what do we do when one's best doesn't compete to the standards set by the masses? Do we accept defeat and give in? Or if we continue our fight, do we aim to reach our personal best or those set by others?

It is often the smallest of accomplishments that bring us the greatest pride and sense of achievement. Perhaps by striving to achieve our personal bests, will we one day become a standard where at which society considers acceptable. If acceptance by our peers is our only daily struggle however, we must have our eyes firmly shut to the world of chaos and catasrophe surrounding us.

But it is the daily battles won that give us courage to take bigger steps and win bigger battles long term. Without our purpose and passion, we would be standing still and growth would be severly stunted.


Perhaps my ponderings are best left for another session. My mind is wandering and soon this will turn to drivel.

So for now this writer has taken her first flight and hopes that these wings will hold up for their more adventurous flight soon.

I am weary and I am weak; I am awake but desire sleep.
The noise a distant echo beneath my fortress.

In order to fulfil desire, the gate must be raised.
Though this fortress protects, it also keeps desire at bay.

The distant din that once I was sheltered from,
will encapsulate me in its miscosmic unhappiness.

Toward the raise gate lays the loss of my protection,
but the promise of a completion so sorely required.

Will the loss of my safety, the gain of distraction;
cause my want to be lost forever?

Do I risk comfort and calm or just force desire?
Or will I let the disturbance penetrate the thick walls encompassing me?

To gain my desire, I must first give in my comfort.
Then shall my desired dreams, call me in.

A lot has been happening in this far, far away world from wherever you are. I've grown a lot and realised a few things out along the way. There is always a lesson to be learnt and always another step to take. We only have our footsteps in the sand to tell us where we've been.

I've spent a long month in my new place. The dreams of living alone have been shattered; mostly by the upkeep that comes along with being singular in living arrangements. There's a lot more pressure on one individual and much more apathy.

The place I live in is far from a place I can call home. Nonetheless it is the people I have in my life that make me forget the tougher side of what I'm living through. I'm very lucky all the same.

The place I've moved into is a bit of a nightmare actually. It just seems my life is destined to be my friend's personal soap drama! I don't mind, I guess I'm entertaining someone at least.

To recap this hellish month. I moved into the basement flat and found:

1) I had no fridge (and have only just got one 3 weeks after moving in).
2) I had fleas in my carpets where my landlady didn't think to remove / put underlay over the existing carpet.
3) I had furniture from the previous tenants to bin.
4) My washing machine struggles to wash clothes (mainly because the previous tenants neglected to maintain it in a good working order.
5) My cooker hasn't been cleaned in a good 2 years, doesn't heat to the temperature you set it to and has no electric ignition so requires matches to use.
6) The bath doesn't drain water which stagnates at one end.
7) The bathroom tap drips constantly where it hasn't been pulled tight after used by ex tenants.
8) I have a constant wood lice problem.
9) There is a damp patch in almost every room.
10) The electric meter in my flat costs a fortune because for some reason I have to pay for the electric to run the boiler for 3 flats in my building.

Believe it or not, despite the above; I'm much happier here. I guess it is because it has given me the independence I needed. My first place to call mine own. Another stage in the journey, another milestone recorded.

I know I've not moved into the best situation but there is always time to move again. There are many more places in my life that I'll have the opportunity to call my own. Perhaps living in somewhere like this will make me appreciate the better places I live in much more.

Time has become so much more important. My work life / personal life balance has been tipped completely in the opposite direction. I'm glad that my personal life has become much more valued.

I'm so glad I've started to appreciative the people in my life a lot more. My family have been awesome this past month. And I have someone else special in my life that has made me realise just how lucky I am.

I realised yesterday that this time next year I will be 24. No longer can I be referred to as a child really. Not yet an adult either. I'm in the awkward in-between age that doesn't really have a name.

Speaking of work life, it has taken a turn that I didn't think possible just yet. A colleague of mine is leaving. The very same colleague who covers me when I'm on annual leave. So it means not only do I have to take holiday more carefully but also that I have to learn to adapt to another new person at work.

Usually I'm not so selfish but in a time of credit crunch that we're in; I can only see it getting much more difficult to replace employees with the same calibre. Cost cutting means we'll get lesser qualified people in; or worse still we won't replace at all.

To make matters worse I know several people are unhappy. We've already have several walk-outs / cuts within the company and I am sure that this is only the beginning.

So you see the home / work scales have been truly tipped. I'm much happier at home and work pretty much sucks.

Time is supposed to heal most wounds, but how long do you have to wait before the healing process gets tedious? How can you tell before it's too late that this is one of those times where the wait doesn't heal the wound?

I've clearly gotten to you in some way so I'm sorry for that. Obviously I have otherwise I wouldn't have kept you reading or commenting on what you call pathetic writing. But here you are and still you stay trying to taint me with your bitterness.

If you bear any relation to my ex boyfriend, congratulations you're an unsuspected writer as he thinks none of his friends or family care enough to log in periodically and check this blog. If not and I bother you just as much as I seem to, please stop reading. And if you previously called yourself a friend of mine, don't bother.

I've probably mentioned I screen all my comments on Live Journal and I've had to approve them all for others to view them. I approve your comments because negative feedback is just as important to me as positive. And also I get to see your IP address which is always useful information.

Forgive me if you think me prententious, selfish or self-obsessed. Quite frankly I'm not but then if you weren't so busy being spiteful you'd probably get that about me.

Thank you for taking the time to read my entries. I'm sorry they're not to your taste but I am not writing for the masses; I'm not really writing for anyone but me.

I apologise if I've offended you anyway as it wasn't my intention.

How long must I bear this pretence of keeping everything together? I've not had the best year. Although some of this year has seen a part of my old self return; the majority seems to be overshaowed by misery and tragedy.

I've fought a lot of personal battles about/with myself this year. On top of this I've put my happiness before others and have been left standing admisdst the aftermath. And most recently, the death of people around me have caused an unexpected mourning to befall upon myself and many others.

I've come to think that whilst a lot of the time I can struggle through, it is becoming much harder to get by. I fear I'm spiralling back into an unhealthly place I was before. I cannot afford to become the person I used to be. Nevertheless I seem to be on a losing battle with my health. Though it is never anything serious, it is a consistent list of problems that seem never ending.

The recent death of someone I knew (although I did not know her in depth) has caused me to reevaluate my priorities in life. There are new goals and new reasons to make the most of my life. Before learning the new of this person's passing; I had already realised I needed to make a change to my life. Now I'm even more certain that I must kickstart some change in my life.

With reference to the personal battles mentioned above; I'm only referring to a minor case of me being unhappy with myself as a person. I fight it alone but I don't let it eat away at me and I don't dwell long enough for me to talk about it in depth. Not enough for it to be an issue I need outside help with.

Despite the downward spiral this year seems to have fell into, there has been a lot of ups too. I've grown so much as a person and I've been blessed with new (and even old) people in my life making me very happy.

Although I'm finding it hard to pick up momentum during these darker days, I force myself to remember that there are worse off people out there. I'm so fortunate in so many ways that I shouldn't complain.

So picture you've broken up with the only long-term boyfriend you've had (your choice not his). That's about 3 years for note taking purposes. It's been a tough ride, not without it's hitches but you've finally got to a point where you're coping and he's not crying.

You've had no choice but to live with the said ex until you have a place to call your own to move to. So moving day approaches in less than 2 weeks; you've not seen the place you're moving to, you've not packed any boxes, you've not even begun the process at all. How are you feeling?

I'm guessing you're almost getting to the thought process that my head is doing right now. It's been such a tour of emotions but an experience I'll never forget nonetheless. The most memorable moments in life aren't the happy ones but the ones that challenge us; defining and moulding the characters we become throughout our journey.

I've almost completed the final pages of a very drawn out chapter. I'm finally feeling like I'm getting somewhere; I'm just reaching the top of that hill I'd never thought I'd get to. The view at the top better be spectacular. (Note to self to use the word spectacular more... it isn't used enough by my generation these days.)

I have so much to get on with but at the moment I am filled with such apathy. My landlady is inflicting quite a tad of it upon me. Especially as she's not aiding me trying to be organised when providing generally ambiguous answers to all questions.

I'm not afraid to admit the stress is getting to me. I can't wait for my body to unwind a little. It'll be a welcome change from the plank of wood I feel like right now.

I must leave you on a positive note today. Things are getting better, things haven't been this together for a while and I welcome the return of my sanity. And as this chapter is almost complete; I'm already thinking of what to do in the next one! I've already got a new partner in crime to share the story with. What more could I ask for?

I think the purpose of this journal has been misconstrued over time. I've used it to vent. Perhaps I shouldn't have.

I wanted to tell a story but instead I've got so caught up in my own story that I've offended some people along the way.

This journal isn't about condemning a romance gone bitter. It is about expressing the person I am, the steps I take and how the choices I make shape my destiny.

I've learnt that no matter how bad I'm feeling along the way, I can't keep taking it out on those around me. I am as much to blame for my feelings as the person offending me.

Strength has been key to my survival these past few weeks. I have had some excellent friends helping me out on the way. A few friends and family members have been my strength and I love them dearly for it.

And although this has been really tough on me; I've not really stopped to think how hard this has been on "the ex".

I've been a lesser version of myself over the past couple of years; something I've not seen until recently. I haven't been myself for a while and as of late I'm a stressed, overworked; an angry ball of chaos. Thank god people put up with me.

I think I need to get away again.

I can't wait to be back to the person I used to be. She's who I really am and I must get back to being as happy she was.

I thought I'd better explain my intentions before I continued writing further entries here. This is inspired by the comment I got from someone on "The Darkest Hours".

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for everyone having their opinions and expressing them, I'd just hoped for some of my "readers" to have a little more grace and perhaps for them not to hide behind an anonymous status just because it's easier.

I made this journal public for many reasons, here are a sample of some below:

1) I have nothing to hide when I write.
2) I needed a place to come to where words flowed easily and I could get them off my chest.
3) I thought perhaps I could learn something by writing all this down.
4) I thought people may find something entertaining if for a brief moment.

This journal is a purely selfish venture for me. I don't expect it to be read and loved. It is what it is and I hope you can appreciate that. I did't expect to have any readers at all and thought stupidly that no one read these kind of pages.

I guess in the world we live in, I'll just have to toughen up and move on. Life's a bitch and apparently so am I.

I don't know where to start today. It's been another long and busy week. I've not had time to write anything I'm feeling down and because of this I was a little grumpy yesterday. Which was a bit selfish of me considering deeper things were going on around me.

To celebrate the return from my holiday, I was delivered a perfect day followed by an utterly miserable one. Fate plays a cruel game sometimes.

After my week away compromising of both good and bad moments, I decided to catch up with a person very important to me. We spent an afternoon / evening together and I've never felt happier.

There is something about the sun shining down upon you on a perfect day that just instantly calms you. Obviously the company I kept that afternoon was the main reason for my good mood. It's hard to explain what made the day so special but there were definitely parts of the picturesque location I could try and explain.

So I've mentioned the sun shining. It was a good sign of a relaxed day. The sun (like water) has a very calming effect on me. I guess it's the endless blue skies that usually come with a sunny day that makes me feel instantly comforted.

There was also a river adjacent, which meant for a while I got to stare into its depths. Watching the current make ripples over the surface. And then there were the trees. The trees are still very green but I can't wait for autumn to make them all the colours from gold to brown.

But the light was pretty good that day so it shone through the green leaves and that was enough for me. That with the gentle and occasional breeze that rustles through the branches and I'm set for a picturesque day.

So that was a summary of some of the things that made the day one of the better ones. There are things I'm not ready to write down that made that day as good as it was; but as I've said I'm not ready yet. And I don't think you're ready to read them either. So you will have to endure the wait.

I followed that day with probably one of the worst days during the break up with my ex boyfriend. Ok so after Sunday being so good, I thought I could handle anything that living with my ex threw at me but I was so wrong.

For some reason unknown to me things got progressively worse with him as the Monday went along. I had phone calls where he was in tears asking me if we could ever get back together again. At that point I should have realised that something was up. But I didn't and I continued about my normal business (day off to sort out building work at my father's place).

So after a day of struggling with the phone calls and weirdness, this continued until he confronted me as I was just going to bed. "I know about you kissing him" was the comment I got. I was in the middle unplugging my phone from its charger and dropped it on the floor.

Well clearly after that I couldn't deny it. I had kissed someone else; something else had been developing amidst the chaos of a breakup. Something I hadn't set out for and that had developed despite me telling myself I couldn't.

I tried to shrug off the comment. I did what most guilty people in my situation do; I take the spot light off of me and put it onto him. This phrase reaffirming my actions as the guilty party "so how did you find out". Of the 1,000's of things I could have said, choosing that was the worst mistake!

"Someone saw you two together" he barked back at me. "Who?" I yelped back. And after a while he still wouldn't tell me who it was that had told him about me kissing another guy. I kept pushing and he eventually stated that it was with someone he worked with him.

I didn't believe him so kept pushing for more details. This work colleague supposedly saw us together in a local pub. Which was realistic as I had spent a lot of time there. So after a while I dropped the subject as I was sitting in bed wishing the conversation would just die so I could get the sleep I much needed.

"You don't believe me do you?" was his question. "Well I did but now I don't." And it then turns out that he's lied to me. He hasn't found out about me kissing someone else through a colleague seeing us, he's found out about me kissing a certain someone by reading this journal!

I couldn't believe he actually managed to find this page, let alone recognise it was mine. Apparently he liked the title (damn my catchy hooks) and recognised the pictures as he was there when I captured them.

Out of all the ways he could have found out, this is probably the worst. I've said some hurtful things and they were never meant for his eyes. It was merely me venting and letting out the inner thoughts. This journal is after all a selfish but guilt-free exercise for me - or at least it was supposed to be.

Now that he has read it I feel absolutely naked and having nothing left to hide in this somewhat prolonged breakup. Partly it’s a huge relief and another part of me can't help feeling so guilty that I've not only broken his heart but I've stomped on it and broke it into a further million pieces. Breakups have never been easy through the ages; it's funny how I think this one could have been different.

So that was the start to another horrific week. It is a week that I'd like to forget; I'll explain more soon.

Why is it when you've broken up with someone, they try every trick in the book to get back with you? Isn't it enough that'd you've confessed that you don't want a relationship anymore? I am so angry today. Not only am I angry but I seem to be sad at the same time. It has confused a lot of people I've met during the day; including myself.

"Is there any chance we're ever getting back together?" This was followed by tears and his tears get to me every time. How do you answer that without getting into further trouble? I don't even remember how I answered that but I know it wasn't very tactful. Probably why the tears came soon after my speech ended; followed by my tears yet again.

Why do I let this get to me? I knew it wasn't going to be an easy road and I knew he'd take this bad. I'm so annoyed at myself for not sorting out a place to live before I decided to end this. I could have saved myself a whole lot of pain and perhaps him some too.

I also got several "I'm going to better at" this and "I'll do more of the housework". I give that a month at best and by that time I'd better be out.

I think a lot about how this affects the other people in my life. How my moods are affecting the people around me. I can't help thinking I have to do this for them as much as me. There are people waiting in the wings that I'm being unfair to. Though they do not protest I feel the need to apologise and hope they take comfort when I say: "this will be all over soon". Who is it I'm trying to convince saying that? Me or them? Both I'd assume.

The truth is I actually mean it; I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand being with someone who wants to sleep in the same bed as me when I'd rather he didn't. I can't stand the loving looks. I can't stand him being overly nice. And I can't stand the endless stream of compliments. I am beginning to think I'll stop at nothing to get him out of my life. Almost nothing; there are just some things a girl like me can't do.

I feel that I would have been more productive as a human being at work today. I'm tired of this mess!

A undulating cloud of emotions has formed within me,
Bubbling beneath the surface it consumes me,
It controls my every thought,
It makes me weep inconsolably,

Like a river the tears wash over me,
A fast and continuous stream,
A tidal wave of emotions comes with every tear,
I am the marionette forced to this extreme,

Unable to change the simmering emotions,
I am forced to feel each one in turn,
There is never a moment without these feelings,
There is never a moment to rest,

I am destined to play this out forever,
When do I become the puppeteer and not the puppet?
I must the strings and stand tall,
I will take the first step on my own,

Perhaps I will fall,
Perhaps I walk proudly forward,
First lets cut the strings,
And perhaps I'll stumble but I will be in control of each footfall.

What a difference a week makes indeed. One week away in a remote location with no: mobile reception, no digital TV and no internet access and I feel like a different woman. Okay a little out of touch with the world but a different woman none-the-less.

Oh how it has changed me, not only that but it has made me ask myself: Why haven't I done this sooner? Okay, okay, perhaps doing it without "the ex" in toe will make it better next time but that aside, it was the break I really needed.

I've been looking forward to it for months and I realise I can't go 1 year let alone 2 years before I have a full week's holiday next time. I've not had a keyboard beneath my fingers for over 7 days! It feels like I've never left if I'm honest. I guess this writing business really does come from within.

Right, so I need to fill you in on the week's activities don't I? To summarise, I've not been up to a great deal to be honest. I know I'm not making it sound at all glamorous and if I'm really honest it wasn't. I didn't wear makeup once, I didn't have any late nights (went to bed at the latest 11PM) and I was so laid back I didn't even straighten my hair once! No fainting ladies that, I promise is the worst of it.

Let me explain why it wasn't glamorous:
1) I was with my ex and I knew the conversation would be spiky at best on several occasions.
2) I was in the middle of nowhere; I really mean that. I had to take a train for 2 and 1/2 hours and then a taxi (because buses run twice a day) to get there. At times like that I wish I learnt to drive.
3) I was in a town that didn't have street lights; which is not good when you're walking back pissed from the pub past a graveyard. But it does make for pretty star gazing.
4) Mobile reception was not available at all times (and at times I was very lonely without my constant stream of texts).
5) My best friend for the week was my trainers (I sprained my ankle - didn't I already complain about that?).
6) The people don't do dressing up and kept staring because I didn't look "local" enough. I hope that's the reason anyway...
7) Everywhere you went, there was a hill. Now that I'm home I want to run through the streets shouting "Look sir, see you a hill? Me sir? I see no hills for miles sir!"
8) It was 1/2 a mile to the only place I could make calls from. (Yes mobile reception is very important when you're stranded in the middle of nowhere with your ex boyfriend.)
9) I now crave a nice big salad because I ate so much fried food. I know I love salad but I've never wanted to eat nothing but salad. I don't even want bread! But I still love my chicken. Salad and chicken for me!
10) I went a whole week without hugs, kisses and my family; which are the things that comfort me the most. Ex boyfriend hugs and attempts at kisses didn't count. Although the hugs I can manage still.

Are you getting how so un-chic my holiday was? And do you know what? I was okay without the above 10 things that made it not so glamorous. I lived. And quite enjoyed it too.

So the week started amicably. I spent a lot of time on the beach. I loved it there. I'm a water baby through and through. There is some kind of powerful hold the sea has on me. It is my everything and nothing all at once. I feel instantly calm, everything is washed away and I feel clean again; even without dipping my toe into its depths. That's what happens when I stare at the sea... I could stare for hours.

We got on well for the first few days! I mean better than we have in months. I guess it's because I realised I was stuck for a week (costs £100 to get back and the bank balance was low already) in the same place as him. And I relaxed and wasn't being such a bitch for once.

Then about day 3 it all goes belly up (I cringed as I wrote that phrase, I'm sorry to use it). I get very ill progressively through the day. In the morning I felt well enough to take a half hour bus ride to Dartmouth in search of food and cream tea (to shut up the ex because he's getting stupidly excited about scones, jam and clotted cream). But as the day goes on I get grumpier, tired and very apathetic towards everything. So much so I actually fall asleep on the ex on the bus on the way home.

Now when I say I fell asleep on the bus; this in itself is a big challenge. This is because the roads in this particular part of South Devon are very narrow and at points only allow 1 direction of traffic to flow. Add a lot of hills, a journey involving cliffs / hills with great drops metres from the roads and you're beginning to get the picture. Not to mention that I was on a double decker bus; the very types you will see in built up towns. Now picture falling asleep on this bus, a vehicle that is going up bumpily up and down steep and very narrow roads; often having to break hard to make way for traffic coming the other way down the street. Are you starting to get the extent of my exhaustion that I was going through in order to fall into a deep sleep? I clearly was very sick.

So for the next couple of days I was confined to the cottage through exhaustion as much as orders from the nagging ex. He does like to look after me when I am ill, bless! Why he ever put up with me I'll never know. Well they say love is blind...

I was too tired to walk anywhere considering everywhere involved bloody hills. So for the first day I didn't leave the house once. On the second day I managed a walk to "the shop", which might I add is the village shop and the only one for miles for those groceries you desperately needed. But the walk to the shop killed all the energy I had left so I didn't plan to do any walking for the rest of the day.

I was starting to feel better during the week so managed a walk to the beach a couple of times. And a second bus ride to Dartmouth for more necessaries and more cream tea. And of course the usual sweets for work and sticks of rock for my nieces.

The parts I didn't like were the nights the ex and I decided to spend in. This was because this involved a lot of conversations where we had time to talk. And as time goes twice as slow when you're in Devon; we had lots of time to talk. Ample. Plenty. Mucho timo (I know it's not really Spanish).

During these times where there was ample/mucho/plenty time to talk, we got to the why's and the what have I done's of the breakup. This was particularly why I pleaded with him to let me at least try and get a refund before embarking on the momentous holiday. This was what I was afraid of the most.

How do you explain to someone who thinks you're the missing piece to their jigsaw that you're just not feeling the same way anymore? I had to admit to not loving him. This was done on the beach and tears followed (from both of us; me because I feel like I've pulled his beating heart from his chest). Even I couldn't look at the sea and be captivated after that.

I had to admit I was attracted to someone else. Most frustratingly I couldn't tell him that there had been kisses exchanged and I wanted to own up to get it off my chest. He would have been utterly inconsolable. And I already felt soulless for telling him I didn't love him.

Breaking up with someone is the hardest thing I've had to do in my twenty-something years so far. I am too young to know deep pain but that day on the beach will haunt me forever. Now I know why people hide behind phone calls and text message when relaying the news. But I'm better than that hiding malarkey; I prefer to at least attempt to have the courage to do it in person. It feels more respectable if I've at least attempted things that way.

However don't mistake me for being utterly miserable; I've not got to the good times yet. I realised a lot in my short time away. Some things were well overdue and so simple when you just step away from everything. That's the trouble with being involved heavily in the little world you've built up; everything becomes scrambled and you have a false sense of reality.

So there are a few things that are going to change. These aren't promises and they won't happen overnight. Please find another list below; in no particular order:
1) I need to move out. I've realised I'm breaking his heart by being here every day and withdrawing contact from him. I have become cold and it's not me (well maybe just a little too cold then).
2) I need to either a) find peace with my job and its current stress levels / workload or b) find a job that doesn't consume my happiness, health and time.
3) I have to remain more positive.
4) My family deserve more of my time, attention, love and warmth. I will not shut them out or desert them as I have of late.
5) I need to celebrate life more! Sitting on the beach made me realise how little I've been living recently.
6) I must at all times be thinking of my happiness as well others. I cannot to continue to put others before me if it is making me miserable. But I will ensure I minimise the unhappiness of others when searching for my happiness. With tact and love.
7) I must stick up for myself more. Courage is definitely what I need. No more agreeing when I don't mean it.
8) I must take time to appreciate what I have, how lucky I am and how much I take for granted. I may not have all the money in the world but I get by well enough. I've spent too much money idolising false dreams and obsessing over materialistic habits. I will not complain of my lack of money, I will accept that there are worse off people in the world than myself and even they are more positive and much braver than I am.
9) I will remember my health is important; I do want to live a long enough life not to destroy my body now.
10) Stress is the biggest evil in my life and I will banish it wherever possible.
11) I will stop crying so often, especially at work.
12) I will lighten up and remember to laugh a lot more.
13) I will take care of my friends more. I need to make more of an effort to spend time with them.
14) I will not hide because I'm afraid. Fear will not run or ruin my life. I will drink alone in bars, go to the cinema on my own, go solo to a party once in a while and may even be that crazy person I used to be. She was awesome and carefree and I miss her being a part of me.
15) I will stop throwing tantrums at work. No shouting or swearing at my desk. I look ridiculous and I'm a grown up now. It's time to become a lady. Which means the swearing is definitely out.
16) At least 1 day a week I will do something that reminds me of who I am, where I am and who I'm becoming. This will keep me focused on who I am and will keep me grounded.
17) I will review this list weekly, monthly and quarterly until I've achieved some of the points listed. This will remind me of what I've become and how not to be this monster anymore.
18) I will believe in love again. Believe in its healing powers and it strength. I will not look down my nose at it and will accept that I have let it back into my life again. (I don't like showing that I care because it makes me feel like I'm being soft. Being soft always seemed like a weakness to me but not anymore.) This will mean I have to tell certain people in my life how I really feel.
19) I will smile at least 5 times a day, making a conscious effort to do so until smiling becomes natural again.
20) I won't mock people for their beliefs, well at least not to their faces. I will accept that they find something in them and love them for their quirkiness! No matter how lame I think it is (still maintaining that I won't give up on my opinion but I will attempt tact with people on the matters close to their hearts).

Not only did I have time to think about the above list, I got time to take in the beautiful scenery. It kept me sane through the moments where I wanted to kill the ex. Once again I found myself inspired.

I walked lots. That's a good thing too. As everywhere was hilly, I spent a lot of time walking and exerting energy. It's made me feel less lazy and made me want to walk everywhere, especially because of the lack of hills in my current location!

So despite the awkward moments, the sickness and hills; it was a worthwhile adventure. I learnt a lot about myself and the person I want to be. I hope I now have the strength to change.

Change is plausible but is often resisted and feared. I believe that if you wish to live in this chameleon world, you must too be a chameleon. The people left behind are the people who resist every change in their life. I am hoping that each experience I go through makes me a better person. After all, if you think of who you were as a child; you can already see how much you've changed since then.

The question I ask myself is: Am I in too deep? I ask this question in many areas of my life but it mostly relates to my post-relationship blues.

You see, I've been very understanding to my ex boyfriend but I'm losing my patience. He's starting to use the living together to his advantage again. I guess for him it doesn't seem like taking advantage of me as he says he's still love with me. Unrequited love fades although may bubble unnoticed beneath the surface.

Let me explain why I think he's taking advantage. He still tries to sleep next to me at night despite asking him on several occasions to sleep in the other room. I get that the other room is a bit of a mess but I'm sorting that today. And it's half his mess to clean anyway. He's using that as his excuse.

Secondly he still thinks he has the right to kiss, hug me or even have sex with me. Hugs I can handle, kisses (but only on the cheek) perhaps too. But the latter, I'm not happy with. I guess I'm losing the attraction I had for him.

I still do all the washing, which to be honest I don't mind. It saves water and decreases the washing loads and I'm a bit environmentally friendly that I don't mind in that sense. But again it's the taking advantage of it that bugs me. I'll wash and dry it but I don't see why I still have to put it all away.

The question am I in too deep applies heavily to him because I don't know how quickly I can get out of this sinking ship. Will I drown if I don't get out soon, will the water be too deep to survive? I don't want to lose myself again.

Am in too deep also applies to my current place of work. I feel like I'm the first point of call for most non-departmental issues. It appears like I'm a mother as well as manager. I don't feel like a manager most days as I'm drowning in too much other work.

I've been told to be patient and that once the staff restructure has been complete I can finally hand over some of my workload. I've had such promises before. "Becky once you take over my job, you won't have half as much to do". Yeah right! I guess for people that are hard working, hard work always follows. I'd rather be busy than have nothing to do but I'm hoping that there will be a happy balancing act soon.

The question applies to another area of my life. One that is developing fast. But is it progressing too fast? Sometimes it feels like it isn't fast enough and then days like this it feels like it's speeding ahead. Perhaps it something that helps to cement leaving my relationship behind, although the feelings I've been having go deeper than that just building a new path.

So I go on holiday tomorrow. I'm not ready yet. I don't think I will be for some time today. I'm still doing all of our washing. Still working my way through the housework. At this rate I won't pack until tomorrow morning. And I have to leave early. I suck at being organised sometimes.

I'm not looking forward to spending a week alone with my ex boyfriend. I'm looking forward to the picturesque views, miles of sea and Devon food. I'm just hoping he doesn't make it too difficult for me to be there. I don't want another week of having to fight someone trying to be in a relationship I'm not in with them anymore.

I sometimes think that there are two ways out of my current predicament with the ex. Neither one are logical or feasible so please just put this down to me feeling like a caged animal that is clawing at anything in reach.

Number 1: I could push him off a cliff in Devon. Now this involves committing murder. I don't think I am physically capable of doing this. (I told you they were illogical ways out.)

Number 2: I could break his heart; well I've already broken it but I could step it up a gear. How do I do this you ask? I could tell him there is someone else. Or at least tell him what I've been up to lately. Now this would mean I'd have to be completely heartless or that he's done something horrible to put me in that situation.

And yes, there is something else developing but it's too early to establish what that is yet. I don't want to be a fool who rushes in too quickly this time around. It's not like I don't have hopes for what it could be but I just want to be cautious. It's strange to write that as all I'm thinking recently is to throw caution to the wind. I guess I'll just have to be patient.

This time I won't run; I've been thinking recently that I need to move. However I have so much to leave behind this time. I have a family that I've become really close to and three beautiful girls I'd love to see grow up into beautiful ladies. I love them dearly and it would break my heart to leave this time. So it's time to stop being selfish on that front and put my family first.

I could once again write away the hours but alas reality is calling me out of this world today. I hate to leaving when I could do with a thousand more words spilling from my fingertips. Reason is kicking in and kicking the writer to the curb. Alas. I may come back for one final visit before I leave tomorrow.

I feel like I've accomplished a lot this week. I've got miles to go but with a few more miles under my belt the journey doesn't seem as arduous.

I'm getting my life together, spending time with those whom mean the most and I'm learning to live and love life again. It seems such a waste; the apathetic years I've misspent.

Some may consider me to be burning the candle at both ends but I've got a long away to go before I melt completely. Besides the fire will blow out soon enough. And then it can always be lit again. I prefer shining bright for a while and fading into the darkness anyway.

I've talked so much over the past week and usually I don't always get to talk a lot. It's strange that the amount I talk recently is equal in proportion to how much better I'm feeling. I guess it just took a visit or two with family members to realise I'm not alone again and that they'll support me through it all. I'd forgotten that my family means the world to me.

So let’s fill you in on what's happening in my life. I broke up with my boyfriend officially (but I am sure I mentioned that). We fought for a week or so and now we're back to smiles and laughter. He's starting to irritate me again and I can feel the snappy me coming back.

However we are still going on holiday together this coming week (expect a drop in activity on here for a while). Part of me thinks it'll be horrible, the other part of me thinks we'll be okay. Well at least for a week anyway. Whichever way it goes, I need a break. My recent number of crying sessions lets me understand that.

My main concern is that my partner is still very much in love with me. I'm afraid he won't let go when the time comes to move out. Right now it's not like we've not really split up as we're still living together (please don't cringe or roll your eyes at me). It's like we're in a sort of purgatory land. It's all about a waiting game and who can wait longer; he'll win that round as I've already said I'm tired.

I want to move on. I want to break free. I want to feel alive again. I know those are three of the most cliché things I could say but they all express the current of thoughts swirling around this old think tank of mine. It's over flowing again today.

I'm so tired and very much in need of a long sleep. Not quite ready for the big sleep but if I work any harder I'll be forcing myself closer towards that eternal sleep. I'm trying not to push myself too hard but I've an awful lot to do and not enough time. Time is so precious I don't know how I bare wasting so much working like a dog for someone else to reap the rewards.

Tonight I can't sleep. It could be the antibiotics. One minute they're making me fall asleep at my desk almost and the next minute I'm tired but can't sleep. Sounds like the side effects are kicking in after a day of taking the tablets. Only another 6 days to go. (I have a virus hence the need for medication, nothing serious just courtesy of working too hard and generally running myself down.)

I'm in an odd mood tonight; very mixed emotions. I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to get out of writing today. It's not making me feel better; it's not shedding any light onto my current state of my mind. And I'm sure it's not even entertaining today.

I think I've had my fill of trying to make sense of things today. Watch this space for some last minute entries later this week before I go away.

Isn't it funny how family can give you that complete feeling of home without actually trying? I miss that. I should see my family more. I don't make enough time to see them these days.

I make so many excuses that I'm so busy and I don't get a chance to. But they're really important and want to make amends for the excuses.

There are very few people in your life that will love you through everything. A family sees your flaws but loves you for your good points first. Friends see a friend's flaws first and good qualities second. Not all friends just most.

I've not written in a while because I've been busy. Been caught up in it all. A lot has happened. I don't think I'm ready to write about that yet. But there are developments that have made me choose a speedier path to happiness. Apathy will no longer win with me.

I realise I'm being vague again. I promise I'll write more soon. I guess I just hadn't filled this space with words for a while and wanted you know what was going around in this head of mine.

Now off to bed. I start a course of anti biotics tomorrow for my sore throat. No alcohol for a week. I guess you'll be seeing me a lot more around these parts then.

But for now, farewell.

So today I'm having a better day than yesterday. Well in the sense that yesterday I was beating myself up about having feelings and almost doing something that I'd wanted to do for weeks. I still didn't do it, much to someone else's dissatisfaction as well as mine.

Nevertheless I am getting very close to the point of losing all willpower, close to no turning back after the split moment I give in. The thing is, I know I wouldn't regret it; yet still I hold back not wanting to break another heart to find my own happiness. If happiness is where that first step is destined to lead me.

Today I'm making progress with ending my current relationship. I've done a lot of talking, a lot of crying and a lot of tearing myself apart. Today I made progress with getting my current partner to realise that we're over. He's accepting it; I'm very grateful he's taking the steps to understanding it all.

I feel so terribly guilty about ruining someone else's life. He really thinks the world of me, not that I understand why of course. He believes that there will be no one else in his life that he will love more than me; that makes leaving all the harder.

In time of course, the heartbreak will heal and he'll find someone that appreciates him and loves him for who he is. He's not a bad person; he's just not my match.

We've both learned many things from being together. I have learnt to be less selfish, learnt that drinking doesn't make me happy it just fills the void for a while and I've learnt the value of true friendship. Some lessons that have been hard to learn but I'd do it all again. I'm a better person now.

I don't believe that leaving him is going to be easy. Every time he hurts, I hurt. He's been my best friend for nearly 3 years and having to give that up is going to be hard for us both. But it is unfair on him for me to try and keep him in my life when it will break his heart to do so.

Why is doing something that will eventually make you happy hurt you just before you reach that goal? Is finding your happiness destined to make others unhappy? I think being happy is the hardest thing I've ever had to try and do.

So while I'm being honest, whilst I'm laying all the cards on the table. I'm feeling feelings stir in me that I've not felt for a while. Yesterday I realised this. I'm quite afraid of what that has in store for me; I don't want to be hurt or have to hurt again.

I guess that if I don't take chances, I will always be curious of that which I'll hold back on. But only fools rush in and patience is priceless. The trouble is that today's society cares not for patience; the masses seek the pleasure of impulsivity and very rarely understand the value of a wait. Still are all things worth the wait? I guess we'll never know unless we practice our endurance. The question at the forefront of my mind is: Have I waited too long or not long enough?

I've never wanted to write so much of what I'm feeling down before tonight. It has been years since I've had the courage to honestly write about the matters that occupy my mind and my heart.

Writing online about all of this seems unnatural for me. What could someone possible get out of reading my inner most thoughts and desires? Does it help them realise that another person is as much of a hurricane of mixed emotions and indecision as they are? Perhaps it makes us feel more human to read about other's lives, maybe it helps us learn and grow; seeking inside ourselves to change what we dislike and make room for the things that we like. Or maybe it just helps us pass the time. I'll never know. My main reason for reading about others is curiosity.

Sometimes I wish I could move away from this town I'm in. I often feel a new start would help heal wounds and would help me keep taking those steps I need to take to continue this journey. The truth is I'm scared; scared of not fitting in, of not making new friends and scared of the uncertainty of it all. One day I'll take that walk but for now I'm happy making the emotional journey I'm on right now.

I often wonder what I'll be like in a few years time. Will I have changed so much again in such a small amount of time? Do we constantly evolve emotionally as well as physically? Am I destined to be so different from how I am now? I am very curious to find out.

I hope I keep up the journal. It does me the world of good. I've felt better since I started writing things down. I live for the day where I don't have to be so cryptic with what I write here too. I've got a feeling that will day will soon be upon me. But for now you'll just have to bear with me and keep guessing. I'll fill in the gaps just as soon as I can.

Sometimes it's really hard for me to say the things I really want to say. Sometimes no matter how many words I've written; speaking them seems a thousand times more challenging. Yesterday was one of those days. It was a really bad day for communication and frustratingly it was the only day recently that I had something really important to say.

So why do we freeze when the moment is upon us to say something of worth? Perhaps it is fear. I guess mine was admitting to something that could make me vulnerable again. I've always had a problem with accepting that in order to be happy you have to take that chance that leaves a little gap where vulnerability can creep in. I guess it's just a feeling I've not accepted was possible again.

I'm so angry at myself for yesterday. The words were on the tip of my tongue. I had all the answers right there, waiting for me to spill them. But I couldn't. Why couldn't I?

Okay, so here's my theory. The big thing I wanted to say yesterday would probably lead me to seek further happiness in a specific area of my life. With me so far? (I know I'm being vague; I'll get there, hang in there.) Right now I feel I don't deserve happiness; well not that kind.

The thing I want to admit potentially stands to make another person in my life from being unhappy. Although this person and me are not as close as we used to be; I can't bare the thought of making someone miserable.

But how long can I put someone else's happiness before mine? Especially when being the person they want me to be makes me utterly miserable. Now don't get me wrong, I don't like being unhappy but it's kind of difficult to be what you want to be when that person is a pivotal role in your life on a daily basis. And don't worry about that; I'm working on not being in a place that forces me to be unhappy.

You're curious as to what caused this silence? Talking about my emotions, that's what. By admitting something to someone, I'm making another person unhappy. However I've been getting tired of the silence, in fact it's ripping me to shreds.

It's funny how we deny ourselves the things that could shine light into the darkness. Am I always going to choose the darkness or will I let the light win over once in a while? The jury is out. But they are getting real close to their conclusion. And I feel it will be in favour of the light.

Drowning in a pool of thoughts,
A waterfall of tears,
An ocean full of sorrow,
A stormy sea deep in hurt,

As this water cascades,
As it spills and sloshes,
As it swirls around me,
Keeping me off balance with its dangerous current,

I am drowning,
I am dying,
I am being carried away,
My last breath is upon me,

The sea swallows me,
Taking in water as I breathe that last breath,
I am falling,
I am fading,

The thoughts possess me now,
I am their slave,
They are my master,
And I willingly obey,

They turn me away from him,
They turn me to the future,
They seek happiness for me,
They'll search until happiness entrances them.

Today's topic is relationships. I've been thinking a lot about these recently. I'm no expert; lets make it clear that I've had one "serious" relationship. And that's the one I'm in now. I'm inexperienced but at the same time I know enough to know they're somewhat perplexing, no matter how many you've had.

Why do we focus on being in a relationship so much? I was far happier single when I only ever had my happiness to worry about it.

What makes relationships so desirable? Is it the feeling of belonging; a unique bond, or is that someone cares? Is it merely that we don't want to be alone? We want someone to share the good times with. If you have no one to laugh with, laughing aloud seems pointless on your own.

I am so tired of the focus on: get a job, sustain a job, be financially independent, have your own place. The icing on the cake seems to be centered on: be in a stable relationship. After the aforementioned of course.

Why is that everything that glitters isn't gold? It is only when you're in an unfitting relationship do you truely realise that it isn't the relationship that matters; it is the bond you have with a person, someone you can rely on, someone to share your happiness. Don't friends suitably tick that box? Perhaps in friendships we allow ourselves to be a little more selfish.

Fundamentally the underlying theme through all of this is of course happiness. People think relationships will make the good times last. Unfortunately you have to have the bad times to appreciate the good. I'm a firm believer in balance.

You see, this happiness thing is the bit I fail with. I'm happiest on long walks alone; in that comforting silence that isn't easily broken by the musings of others. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some "loner". I love people, I love to socialise and I used to be the centre of attention. I've just learnt to get a lot more out my time when I'm on my own.

What has brought me to the conclusion that the two is better than one is my current predicament. I'm in an unhealthy, drawn-out relationship. Its not easy. Its not clever. But its a relationship right?

Wrong! Its a battle without weapons, it is a fight you cannot win. I'm slowly realising that when something is over, you can't keep the other person believing everything is still ok. The hardest thing to do is make that first step. Then after that first step has been taken, can you find the courage to plant the next one. Soon after that, you'll find yourself walking again.